The Next Step

Man's fought the wild. And man's fought food. The next battle : Man Vs. Wild Mushrooms.

Of Cheese and Mustard Seeds

Furqan was halfway through his cheese omelette when a horrible feeling of nausea rose within him. He stopped eating and became very still , acutely aware of what might happen next. Within minutes , he felt a dull throbbing ache grow in his head. Alarmed , he began to riffle through his pockets for his meds before it struck him that he wasn't carrying them. He cursed bitterly. But then , no one expects to have a dang migraine attack at 8:30 AM. Not even him , with his one year history of it and its attendant misery. God , this one feels pretty bad , he thought to himself.

He was still getting a grip on himself when the chair across his table jerked back a foot. He looked up from the half-finished breakfast on his plate to see who was taking it. Only , no one was taking it.

A couple of tables over a young lady gasped as her plate toppled off the table's edge and smashed to pieces on the floor , the food scattering in an unsightly mess. Her male companion tried to calm her down and took charge as a waiter approached their table.

Furqan noticed his fork trembling and clinking in his plate on its own , and he held it down with his right hand. Things seemed slightly out of focus now. He looked up to see the ceiling fan swinging from its hook and creaking loudly. Oh oh. To his left , a table crashed violently into the wall. A lady shrieked. 'It's An Earthquake !' screamed someone in a trembling voice. The owner of the place was already backing out of the exit , a terrified look frozen on his pale face. A couple of brave waiters were still inside guiding the few remaining customers outside. One of them now came to him and helped him get outside.


Later that day , he woke up in his bolted-down bed feeling numb all over. It took him a couple of minutes to recollect the morning's events. He turned on his TV and put the local news channel on. They were in the middle of a breathless story about a daring bank robbery that had taken place a few hours back. And then it came. A little picture of Morning Star Cafe' appeared in a corner of the screen as the newsreader informed viewers of the 'strange occurrence.' Eyewitness accounts of people who'd experienced the 'frightening tremors' and video footage of the 'wreckage' inside were followed by perplexed geophysicists who repeatedly said that their instruments hadn't picked up any seismic activity whatsoever. No similar incidents had been reported elsewhere in the city.

Mildly relieved to discover that nobody had been hurt back at the cafe' , Furqan then flipped channels until he came across a televangelist who animatedly testified that those with faith as much as a grain of mustard seed could move mountains.

'What do you know , old man,' he said loudly and then swore off cheese for all of eternity.

Requiem for a Jerk - Part Deux

There once was a dude named Kim Jong Il ,

A tyrant who gave not a shit for his people's will ,

Some called him the Duke of Nuke ,

Others would at the sight of him puke ,

He loved Liz , Godzilla and Rambo .

There are many who liken him to Mogambo ,

He smoked and drank till he fell ill ,

In vain , the doc gave him many a pill ,

Now the Supreme Leader's heart is still ,

Oh , Jong Un , consider it God's will.

Just a Thought : Age

Age is just a number , but so are taxes.

Why Gabbar Singh is the Dumbest Villain in Bollywood History

Here's why :

* He could never recall the reward on his head.

* He couldn't even remember national holidays.

* He relied on Samba for sniping.

* His idea of a good time was watching barefoot women dance on pieces of broken glass and he spent his spare time killing ants.

* He cussed like a schoolkid (Suar ke bachchon).

* He got his ass kicked by a handicapped old man with no arms.

* As for his general knowledge , he himself admits : "Humka kuchchh nahi pata."

Who the hell made him Sardar ?

5 Things Television Taught Us

1. Toothpaste never gets old. It'll always be New Colgate , New Pepsodent , New Meswak , New Whatever.

2. The only thing a gawky , charisma-bypassed , saggy jeans-wearing slacker needs to cavort with a half-dozen semi-clad supermodels is a can of deodorant.

3. There's nothing that can't be sold as news if properly edited. Let's say a dog bit the mayor in the ass. Here's how to turn it into an hour-long special.

* Dark screen.
* Play the background score for Avatar or Gladiator , preferably the parts with pounding drums.
* Show three dramatic black-and-white stills in succession of A. The Mayor , B. The Dog and C. People burning tyres.
* Run a good Breaking News-style headline : Dog Bites Mayor's Ass , Supporters Burn Dog's Effigies.

You get the idea.

4. A soap opera character takes a full minute to process what another character says. That minute is split into 3- /4-/5-second reaction shots and distributed amongst the other characters in the scene.

5. The show with the dumbest plot and dialogue will feature the hottest girls.

The Greatest Superhero Who Ever Lived

His mask was the same dark shade as Batman's , but without the pointy ears. His cape looked black as a starless night. His Bullet motorcycle was painted raven black. He looked even more humourless than Batman (if that's even possible) and everything about him suggested a singleminded devotion to the task of cleaning up the criminals and crooks off the streets. One wondered if he ever went to sleep or found the time for taking his girl out for dinner in a fancy restaurant. The entirety of his being was no-nonsense. Except his name , that is. They called him Zimbo.

The year was 1996. Back then Zee TV was one of the handful of channels with exclusive Hindi programmes. It was what everyone tuned in to. New shows were being announced all the time. A ray of hope finally emerged through the ceaseless glut of nauseatingly weepy dramas , countless cookery shows and suchlike. The channel began running a series of TV spots promoting its upcoming superhero saga named Zimbo. The spots blew our wee little minds sky-high. This upcoming show even had a theme song already ! "Zimbo , sheher mein fir se aya , Zimbo" (Sung by Kumar Sanu , no less ! :D ) Zimbo uttered just one line which seared itself into our brains : "Garibon ka dil , dushmanon ka katil , Zimbo."

His crimefighting philosophy was simple. Find Bad Guy , beat up Bad Guy. So , one caught the most tantalising glimpses of Zimbo smashing in baddies' heads on deserted docks , in seedy warehouses , and on city streets. People stood around and watched in rapt wonder as Zimbo dropkicked and punched and somersaulted ; the utimate asskicking machine known to man.

All summer we talked about how this would be the mother of all superhero shows. About how wondrous everything about Zimbo was. And even better than the stuff we saw was all that we didn't see. During lunchbreaks in school , all the kids would gather around swapping thoughts on Zimbo. Was Zimbo targeting smugglers and gunrunners ? Could Zimbo punch through a wall ? Did Zimbo have 6 fingers on his right hand ? Was Zimbo's vest bullet-proof ? Does Zimbo rub his knuckles on sandpaper ? Did Zimbo know how to use a samurai sword ? Could Zimbo leap off a 10-storey building and land on his feet ? Did he have a sidekick ? Was Zimbo even human ?

Summer became autumn and Zimbo still hadn't come. By winter our grief-stricken little heads had understood that the channel had pulled the plug on Zimbo before it even got a proper start. It was almost too much to bear. Some speculated that the producer had gone bankrupt , others bitterly held Zimbo himself responsible and were hastily chastised for doubting Zimbo.
But the strange thing was that instead of diminishing or eroding his nascent legend , it permanently cemented it. Having invested so much emotion in Zimbo , we decided to stay loyal to him. We reminisced about him every chance we got. We collectively came to the conclusion that he was still out there , taking criminal scum out of business. Zimbo could now be as cool as we wanted him to be. He never sold out. He never got boring , his story never dragged. No , sir. Zimbo kept it real. Zimbo told it like it was. Zimbo NEVER let us down. For Zimbo was and will forever remain The Greatest Superhero Who Ever Lived.