Just a Thought : Age

Age is just a number , but so are taxes.

Why Gabbar Singh is the Dumbest Villain in Bollywood History

Here's why :

* He could never recall the reward on his head.

* He couldn't even remember national holidays.

* He relied on Samba for sniping.

* His idea of a good time was watching barefoot women dance on pieces of broken glass and he spent his spare time killing ants.

* He cussed like a schoolkid (Suar ke bachchon).

* He got his ass kicked by a handicapped old man with no arms.

* As for his general knowledge , he himself admits : "Humka kuchchh nahi pata."

Who the hell made him Sardar ?

5 Things Television Taught Us

1. Toothpaste never gets old. It'll always be New Colgate , New Pepsodent , New Meswak , New Whatever.

2. The only thing a gawky , charisma-bypassed , saggy jeans-wearing slacker needs to cavort with a half-dozen semi-clad supermodels is a can of deodorant.

3. There's nothing that can't be sold as news if properly edited. Let's say a dog bit the mayor in the ass. Here's how to turn it into an hour-long special.

* Dark screen.
* Play the background score for Avatar or Gladiator , preferably the parts with pounding drums.
* Show three dramatic black-and-white stills in succession of A. The Mayor , B. The Dog and C. People burning tyres.
* Run a good Breaking News-style headline : Dog Bites Mayor's Ass , Supporters Burn Dog's Effigies.

You get the idea.

4. A soap opera character takes a full minute to process what another character says. That minute is split into 3- /4-/5-second reaction shots and distributed amongst the other characters in the scene.

5. The show with the dumbest plot and dialogue will feature the hottest girls.

The Greatest Superhero Who Ever Lived

His mask was the same dark shade as Batman's , but without the pointy ears. His cape looked black as a starless night. His Bullet motorcycle was painted raven black. He looked even more humourless than Batman (if that's even possible) and everything about him suggested a singleminded devotion to the task of cleaning up the criminals and crooks off the streets. One wondered if he ever went to sleep or found the time for taking his girl out for dinner in a fancy restaurant. The entirety of his being was no-nonsense. Except his name , that is. They called him Zimbo.

The year was 1996. Back then Zee TV was one of the handful of channels with exclusive Hindi programmes. It was what everyone tuned in to. New shows were being announced all the time. A ray of hope finally emerged through the ceaseless glut of nauseatingly weepy dramas , countless cookery shows and suchlike. The channel began running a series of TV spots promoting its upcoming superhero saga named Zimbo. The spots blew our wee little minds sky-high. This upcoming show even had a theme song already ! "Zimbo , sheher mein fir se aya , Zimbo" (Sung by Kumar Sanu , no less ! :D ) Zimbo uttered just one line which seared itself into our brains : "Garibon ka dil , dushmanon ka katil , Zimbo."

His crimefighting philosophy was simple. Find Bad Guy , beat up Bad Guy. So , one caught the most tantalising glimpses of Zimbo smashing in baddies' heads on deserted docks , in seedy warehouses , and on city streets. People stood around and watched in rapt wonder as Zimbo dropkicked and punched and somersaulted ; the utimate asskicking machine known to man.

All summer we talked about how this would be the mother of all superhero shows. About how wondrous everything about Zimbo was. And even better than the stuff we saw was all that we didn't see. During lunchbreaks in school , all the kids would gather around swapping thoughts on Zimbo. Was Zimbo targeting smugglers and gunrunners ? Could Zimbo punch through a wall ? Did Zimbo have 6 fingers on his right hand ? Was Zimbo's vest bullet-proof ? Does Zimbo rub his knuckles on sandpaper ? Did Zimbo know how to use a samurai sword ? Could Zimbo leap off a 10-storey building and land on his feet ? Did he have a sidekick ? Was Zimbo even human ?

Summer became autumn and Zimbo still hadn't come. By winter our grief-stricken little heads had understood that the channel had pulled the plug on Zimbo before it even got a proper start. It was almost too much to bear. Some speculated that the producer had gone bankrupt , others bitterly held Zimbo himself responsible and were hastily chastised for doubting Zimbo.
But the strange thing was that instead of diminishing or eroding his nascent legend , it permanently cemented it. Having invested so much emotion in Zimbo , we decided to stay loyal to him. We reminisced about him every chance we got. We collectively came to the conclusion that he was still out there , taking criminal scum out of business. Zimbo could now be as cool as we wanted him to be. He never sold out. He never got boring , his story never dragged. No , sir. Zimbo kept it real. Zimbo told it like it was. Zimbo NEVER let us down. For Zimbo was and will forever remain The Greatest Superhero Who Ever Lived.

A Slapdash Approach

The first time i heard the phrase (directed at me or otherwise) , i was probably 7 years old . My failure to comply with my Maths teacher's instructions had majorly upset her. She started to tremble in her fearsome South-Indian rage and said , "IWILLGIVEYOUONETIGHTSLAPPP !"
She said it loud enough and fast enough that i braced myself for the slap that didn't come.

Variously referred to as a kantap , a chaped , a thappad , a jhapad ; it has many names but one unmistakable sound.
Part of growing up and living in India is learning to live with the constant threat of slaps , usually the tight variety.

If you don't fall in line in school , you get One Tight Slap.
If you don't get your act together at home , you get One Tight Slap , or atleast live in the perpetual fear of.
If you are a young , break-dancing cricketer and you piss off Harbhajan , you get One Tight Slap.
If you are a state cabinet minister who goes to wake Yeddyurappa up on the eve of his resignation , you get One Tight Slap.
If you become the Minister of Agriculture and the prices of daily commodities go up , you get One Tight Slap (!).

As Sonakshi Sinha so memorably said in Dabangg , "Thappad se darr nahi lagta , saheb , pyaar se darr lagta hai."

A few years back , the Iraqi journalist Muntadar el-Zeidi tried to turn shoe-throwing into a trendy form of political protest by taking aim at the monumental retard in the personage of George W. Bush , missing both times. Despite his shoddy marksmanship , the symbolic enormity of his action led to a temporary rise in the popularity of shoe-throwing.

Soon enough in India , shoes were aimed and thrown at ministers such as Suresh Kalmadi , P. Chidambaram and others ; missing their marks in every case. And since they weren't struck at all , the wily politicos were quick to beatifically "forgive" their attackers and gain public sympathy and the upper hand in the process.

Things were going south. A few of us introspected and quickly began to realize why the indigenous One Tight Slap had always been so potent a weapon.
The closer you got to your target , the better your chances of hitting it.

A young auto-driver named Harvinder Singh took it upon himself to resurrect this dying tradition. Ex-Minister Sukhram and Agriculture Minister Pawar were both slapped publicly by him and then Harvinder himself was slapped by Pawar's supporters. All within one week ! The slap was well & truly back.

Please leave the pieing , the punching , the kicking , the shooting , the shoe-throwing to the rest of the world. We are a slap-happy country after all.